Metta – Love Heals
A talk by Ajahn Brahm, 14 Feb 2008, Buddhist Fellowship Centre

This evening I am at a talk entitled Metta – Love Heals, given by Ajahn Brahm. As always Ajahn delivers in his witty fashion and indulges us with real-life experiences that always make us feel that we are not alone, and the impossible can be done, because these people have done it. I have here some notes from the talk which I really want to share, because love is this entity that everybody experiences and it exists in so many different forms and has been abused, clichéd, commercialised, exploited – whatever you name it – through and through and through. In any case, these notes are saving grace for those already in a relationship – be it married or just going steady – things to take note of to mend your relationship if it’s already in turmoil; if its going smoothly, how to maintain it and let it last. For singles out there, Ajahn provides tips how we can go out to woo the opposite sex – what really attracts and draws other people towards you?

(DISCLAIMER: I have all this written down on paper – as usual I attend talks armed with pen and paper because I have such poor memory of facts that I need a written record, hence I am able to reproduce Ajahn’s points in such detail.

Do share this around, it helps a lot especially in times of confusion and trouble. BF has done an audio recording of the talk and it should be available on their website in time to come)



Point 1: it’s all about us

In a relationship, one should never think of oneself, or even think of the other. The couple should be thinking about US.

If there are problems, they’re not his, they’re not hers, but OURS.



Point 2: kindle the flame

Words don’t mean a lot. All the nice adjectives that you use to describe your partner merely constitutes as ‘paper fire’. Soon it’ll burn out – that’s when the relationship might begin to hit some rocks.

You need to add more fuel to make the fire substantial. Doing things together helps kindle and strengthen the flames.

Of course, sometimes it gets overly hot – that’s when friction and arguments occur! Then we have to try to take the fire back under control. How do we do that?



Point 3: positive attitudes towards your partner

Look beyond people’s mistakes! Look beyond the two bad bricks out of a wall of a thousand bricks. Look at the beautiful qualities in them

When people make mistakes, practice POSITIVE FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness is not good enough, what if someone makes the mistake again? You can’t keep on forgiving forever. What are you going to do about it?
Hence, practice POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT. When someone hurts you, let it go.

Don’t punish them – punishment is not forgiveness. When someone does something right, or showers you with care and concern, let the person know, appreciate his/her actions. This goes a long way in encouraging the other person that this is the right thing to do. Reward them. This occurs – and works – for any kind of relationships, be they personal or professional.

Ajahn tells us the story of this woman who had an abusive husband. She would come to temple regularly, because that would be the only opportunity for her to get away from the beatings that her husband inflicted upon her. She knew no way to deal with her husband’s violence towards her, and pleaded Ajahn for help.

Ajahn suggested positive reinforcement and forgiveness. When she was hit, she tried hard to forget about it. When her husband did something good for her, she made him feel appreciated.

It took seven long years before her husband dropped all his abusiveness, and became a loving husband and a good father to the children. But this shows that it works!



Point 4: finding a good partner

The only thing about your image to worry about: make sure you SMILE! We like fun people. We like people who know how to laugh. Laughing and smiling gives others the impression that one is happy about life! We want to be around positive people rather than negative people who might affect us.

Ajahn mentions an irony about love between a couple and love between parents and their children. Couples put a lot of effort in their search for their ideal partners, yet they can’t love their partners completely. They throw expectations to their partners, pressurising them to fulfil. On the other hand, children can’t be picked in the manner partners are sought – they come to us naturally – but we still love them for who they are.
Why can’t people give our partners the same unconditional love that they give their children?

Here Ajahn reminds us to open the door of our heart: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Whatever the other does, one should continue to love him/her. The trouble is people control out of the fear that the relationship does not work – that’s déjà vu because the relationship really tenses and sours because of the domination and lack of mutual trust. When one gives another metta: that’s providing love that does not demand anything. The partner will reciprocate given the liberation and trust. Ajahn uses the metaphor of a caged bird: a bird that has been locked up for a long duration yearns freedom, and once the bird cage is accidentally left unlocked or opened, the bird will gladly fly out and never return, because it knows if it comes back, it’s coming back to prison again.
In the same way, your partner won’t like to be controlled, and needs room for him-/herself.


Point 5: love yourself first!

Ajahn tells us that too many people depreciate themselves. Remember what he said about people liking happy people? Our individual selves carry too much luggage. In order to free ourselves, we need to come to peace with ourselves: forgive ourselves and learn to appreciate and love ourselves.

So he suggests giving ourselves a Valentine’s Day gift!

Interestingly the German word for love is ‘lieber’, which suggests ‘liberation’ in English!


Point 6: liberate your loved ones who are about to die

When one’s partner is about to die, help liberate them so that they can leave this world in peace.

Ajahn tells the story of Steve and Jenny from Australia, both Buddhists. Steve, aged 37, had cancer, which had reached the terminal stage. Ajahn went to see the couple during Steve’s last days. He noted that there was some tension between Steve and Jenny, even as Steve was nearing the end of his life. That shouldn’t be it, he thought, because he knew that Steve and Jenny were a loving couple. He asked Jenny, if she had given her husband permission to leave. Jenny immediately knew what he meant. She went to the bed, climbed in, hugged him and told him that she loved him, and that he was free to live this world. Steve died about a day later, but very much freed.


Right, these are the six points discussed during the talk.

A few people asks questions at the end of the talk.

What if you’re in a relationship and you think that the love is gone?
The love is just hidden somewhere. One has to look for the connection again – what made one love the other in the first place.
Look at people as beautiful, beyond what they have done. Give them unconditional love. Wish them well; be kind to them, and others will appreciate and reciprocate. When one does that, one can really love anybody in this world.

On the issue of trust:
Control brings about greater trouble; on the other when mutual trust is practised, most of the time people live up to it.

What if there are persons proven untrustworthy?
Ajahn says that there’s no such thing as an untrustworthy person! To rephrase, they only break the trust. What about their other good qualities? We have to look beyond the two bad bricks out of a wall of a thousand.

What happens if one is awakened to incompatibility?
What is compatibility? It can be learned! That is, if one has the will to.


In short:

As individuals, whether in a relationship or single, one should be positive and happy.

As a couple, it’s neither him nor her, it’s us!
Always kindle the flame of love with substance, not just paper-fire talk. Well, shit happens, and us has got to deal with it.
Provide unconditional love to one’s partner, no matter who they are, no matter what they have done. Only then can both feel liberated and trusted, and there is no pressure to fulfil expectations. Each side is allowed to grow on their own.
Positive forgiveness and positive reinforcement: using the latter to try to gently persuade and drive home the message of what is the right thing to do in human relations.